Cortez vs Monkey
by Stupidfic
Summary: what the heck is Timesplitters?


Once there was this guy named Cortez. He was really strong and knew how to use any gun. He had killed hundreds of men, women, animals, aliens, robots, zombies, demons, and just plain freaks. Many people, mainly those who like to kill things for entertainment and haven't had therapy, worshipped him. "Yeah that's right" said Cortez, currently having a couple groupies groping him "nobody, and I mean NOBODY can beat me!"

Then came a monkey.

"AHH AHH AHH!" shouted the monkey, with a face that looked like it ate a sour banana……with drugs in it. "You dare to challenge me?" said Cortez, pushing his ladies off of him "so be it! I shall accept!" And so everybody was preparing themselves to see the biggest duel in history!

-

Cortez and Monkey spawned in the battlefield. "Time to split!….." said Cortez "….your ass!" He fired a few rounds, but it went over the monkey's head! "Crap!" shouted Cortez, forgetting the enemy was shorter than the rest of his other opponents. He lower his sight and fired some more bullets, but the monkey easily dodged them! "Your short AND fast!" Cortez said an angered tone "you noob!" The monkey shot him in the head.

-

Cortez respawned in another place, and he was mad. "No one makes a monkey out of me!" said the once undefeatable Cortez "not even a monkey!"

Just then a grenade landed by his feet. "Oh fu-" Cortez said before he was blown to bits.

-

Now armed with a mini-gun, Cortez was now searching for the monkey. It came out of a hallway, holding a vintage rifle. "Are you serious?" the man laughed "that weapon is worthless, now feel my-."

Monkey shot Cortez in the head and then tea bagged the corpse.

-

Cortez, this time armed with a vintage rifle, found Monkey not far from the last encounter. "Think your so good, eh?" grumbled Cortez "well now the tables have turned!

He fired a shot into the monkey's torso, but it didn't kill it. The monkey shot Cortez in the head with it's rifle, and he fell down instantly. Monkey took Cortez's ammo and ran off.

-

Cortez was thinking of a new plan, if he can't shoot the monkey, he'll use a trap on the monkey. Laying down a few proximity mines on the floor, and hide in a dead end room. "OH I HOPE THAT DANGEROUS MONKEY DOESN'T FIND ME HERE!" yelled Cortez in a very fake way. He waited a moment, and heard an explosion. Grinning, Cortez got out of the room, only to see Monkey throwing remote mines and blowing them up. "Wait a damn minute!" shouted Cortez "if you didn't die from my mines, then where….are…..they." He looked down and saw his mines activating. "Mommy?" squeaked Cortez.

I guess you know what happens next.

-

Poor Cortez was going insane. That Monkey killed him over a hundred times already. It shot him, blew him up, punched him, burned him, ran him over, groin smashed him, you name it. And Cortez has yet to get a kill! Every strategy he used on everyone else was utterly useless!

And yet again came the monkey, ready to kick ass once again. And Cortez had no weapon! That was the last straw, and the mind of the man melted into insanity. Cortez roared in extreme fury, drooling and shaking like a seizure zombie. For the first time ever this monkey was scared shitless. Just then, a futuristic device appeared on Cortez's left arm.

The device activated, and waves of energy came after the monkey. Monkey was then hovering in the air, wrapped in the energy. Cortez, still looking insane, moved his left arm upwards, moving the monkey too. In an instant, the energy disappear around the monkey, who flew into the air. Coincidently a plane was flying by during the time. The airborne ape collided with the propellers and…..well……..Cortez got a kill.

"I…killed that" Cortez said softly, who then grinned. "YEAH! I KILLED THAT DAMN DIRTY APE! UH HUH, NOBODY SPANKS MONKEYS THAN CORTEZ! KING OF KILLING!"

"Times up!" yelled the invisible announcer, whose related to all invisible being that talk like some narrators on a few shows and the kids from Blue's Clues. "Monkey has 1337 points. Cortez has 1 point. Monkey is the new champion!"

People cheered as they picked up the freaky-faced monkey. Cortez stared as his followers turn their backs to him. "Well….." Cortez said to himself "at least I'm one of the top five."

Then came a ninja monkey, a zombie monkey, a cyborg monkey, and a robot with a fishbowl for a head.

Cortez ran away screaming.

TEH EDN!1


End file.
